It doesn't matter how often I do the dishes. When I walk in the kitchen the counters are covered in a mess. I am shocked at how quickly the piles grow. Laundry. Doesn't seem to make any difference if I'm quick to change loads of laundry. Inevitably, when I put in the last of the kids clothes- Miss Abigail blows out and somehow hits at least two blankets with her yellow poop. I try to keep a level head with these chores. I know I've got a lot on my plate right now and not a lot of time to accomplish it all. I'm sure you can relate
But the thing that's killing me today is where I make room for my children. I was thinking about how everyone says they're busy. And pretty much everyone is busy. We take on more than we can actually complete in a 24 hour period. But there are different kinds of busy.
If you're a student and your taking a lot of credits and it's the week before finals you are busy, with some nasty consequences if you don't accomplish what you've taken on... bad grades and possibly failing classes. Those consequences are not awesome.
How about busy at work. If you don't do a good job you might not get the raise your hoping for or... worse case scenario- you might lose your job. Also not awesome consequences.
My busy is different. I've taken on the task of being a home maker. I've been told this task is EASY. That I have it so, so, so easy because I just stay at home. That's a word for word quote. I'd hate to see difficult. I love being a homemaker. But today I feel like my tasks and their consequenses are extremley unfair. Besides the cleaning, cooking side of being a homemaker (which is definitely a full time position in and of itself at the stage or life we're in) I am trying oh so hard to raise 4 beautiful children. And they happen to have a few needs. And even more wants. All 4 of them need me and want me. While a student might fail a class and an employee might get fired perchance they fall short at their given tasks, my job is to make people. And not just to make any kind of people. To make them truly extraordinary. To create an environment like a temple, full of the Spirit. To play with them. To teach them. To be there when they have questions. To stop and look at them when I answer. To kiss every hurt and correct poor behavior. My job is to rub their legs in the middle of the night when they're crying with growing pains. It's a 24 hour a day job for a lot of years to come. And if I mess up- if I don't complete the task correctly- I ruin people. And not just any people, the ones I love, the ones that are mine. I'm feeling the pressure today, and feeling extremely inadequate for the job.
I try some days to practice a certain rule: Say yes as often as possible. Whenever one of them asks for something- if possible- say yes. Just drop what I'm doing and say yes. Read to me? Yes. Make cookies? Yes. Paint? Yes. What about when it's something you really can't do right then... you either say no or put it off till later. I feel like I say no all the time. So I try as often as I can to just put it off till later... giving me this eternal list of debt with my kids.
Today it was building a snowman. We went out and played in the snow Saturday morning. Jo asked before we went out if I'd help her build a snowman- she'd tried the night before by herself and couldn't get it very big. So I'd said yes. First Ryan and I made the kids a little hill in the back yard to sled down (very little). By the time we were done Abigial needed to nurse. As I was headed inside Jo's sweet voice, "But mama, you said you'd build a snowman with me." So I apologized, explained my situation, and asked if we could do it Monday. Being a sweetheart she agreed. First thing this morning she remembered that snowman. First chance we got I bundled the kids up and took them out to try and make that snowman. It took 1/2 an hour to get snow clothes on. By the time I was out there Mags was crying and so was I and the snow wouldn't pack very well and I just called the whole thing off. So now the kids are rotting their brains in front of a movie and I'm up here trying to figure out how on earth it's fair. How on earth am I supposed to do a good job at my task? I have great intentions with my kids. But I don't have enough minutes to meet all their wants and needs.
P.S. I actually have needs and wants too. They're not aware of that fact, but I do.
On top of it all I'm on a really stupid no sugar diet until Thanksgiving. If there's one thing I can go to for comfort when I'm feeling down it's a treat. But not today. Today I'm eating cottage cheese.
You don't have to say anything. It's just life. And I usually love it.
I just want some chocolate and a break.
France part 2 - Paris
1 week ago
I've had days like that. Days where you're trying to spend time with your kids - time playing, talking, reading, whatever the case may be, and it's just not working. And it really, really stinks. I would also like to have a few words with those people who say being a homemaker is easy. I would say being a homemaker means we've got it good, but definitely not easy.
ReplyDeleteI remember . . .
ReplyDeletePerhaps you can take some comfort in knowing that children are extremely resilient. Very imperfect mothers (like me) can still produce nearly perfect children (like you and your siblings). But I know that's small comfort, when you want with all your heart and soul to be a perfect mother, because you know--really know--how extremely important it is, and because you love, really love, those little people you feel like you're short-changing. For what it's worth, I think you're a marvelous mother. I admire you so very much.
I wish I could say that it gets easier--and in many ways it does--but difficult choices between good things seems to be a constant part of this life. At least it is for me.
And yes, people who say that being a full-time homemaker is easy have no idea what they're talking about.
Amy
ReplyDeleteI so wish you lived closer! Then we could get together and cry together! You are awesome. I know exactly what you are talking about and I keep hoping The Lord will help me out with all my inadequacies! Survive....you will make it! And call me!
Your day you described sounds like my yesterday. I was bawling to Eric when he got home about feeling inadequate at life, the house, raising good kids in this messed up world, my never-ending to-do list, not going out on a bona fide date with him for 8 months, etc, etc. I'm also on my period and was extremely PMS-ing. :) Today the world feels a lot brighter and I'm smiling. I hear you, sistah! I like what Casey said - that being a homemaker means we have it good - NOT easy.
ReplyDeleteYou are a FANTASTIC mom, Amy. Seriously FANTASTIC. Not a joke, not an exaggeration, not being nice - this is for reals, Nacho. I look up to you SO MUCH as an example of a tremendous mom. You will never know what an impact you've made on my life and my own (usually faltering) attempts at motherhood. One of my cancer mom friends said something the other day that I really liked - she said that some days are the venting, sad kind of days and other days are the faithful, strong, happy days. That's just how it is - and it's ok. I liked that. Life is full of ups and downs. And some days (and weeks) are really hard.
I love your "yes" rule. I am going to start employing it. I say "no" a lot! And thanks for all your other thoughts, as well. A lot of great things to remember (about looking kids in the eye and stopping whatever else we're doing, etc.). Another rule a friend told me recently (in response to my complaints about a never ending to-do list that gets overwhelming and makes me feel like I'm losing it): write down the top 6 things that it's important for you to accomplish that day. Make sure those 6 get done and everything else is a bonus. For me it's usually something like read scriptures, exercise, one intentional activity with the girls, and then three "chores/errand/phone calls". And I usually write 1 or 2 bonus items. Just because it helps me to get them out of my head and written down. :)
Another thing we heard at Time Out For Women was instead of a to-do list, every once in a while make a "Ta-da" list. Meaning - there are tons of "unplanned" things that probably weren't on your to-do list that you still accomplished in a day. We often beat ourselves up for all the things we don't do, but instead we should take a minute to count up all the things we did do. For instance a ta-da list might be like: stopped to talk to my friend who was having a really bad day, cleaned up throw up (no one plans that one on a to-do list - but seriously! props to us for cleaning it up!), built a fort with the kids, didn't raise my voice when so and so spilled their drink, vacummed, etc. Make sense? I thought it was a good idea.
Anyways, I'm done now. The point is that you are awesome. Sorry you were having a rough day! Enjoy the weekend! Love you!
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom...but I don't. I think Briana's "ts-da list" is wonderful. I remember one time feeling terrible because I wasn't doing everything I should and would sit and just feel terrible...until I decided to read a book...I could at least accomplish that...and reading is never a bad thing. Of course, I don't know how one does that with four little kids running around! I've always thought your mom was one of the best mothers ever...and look what she produced. I still tell people I wish I could have had her as a mentor. Love you...and take your vitamins!
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