I can't sleep. Atticus or Jo woke up about 1:30. I can't remember which. But I've never quite reached restful sleep since. I just keep thinking about Elena. Wishing I could do something.

I made Ryan a "To Do List" a month ago or so. Very detailed and demanding. Lots to do and April graduation is approaching fast. And yet, I don't really care about the list just now. What does it matter? It does matter, I know it does. Priorities just rapidly change when my niece starts chemo therapy.

She's 2 and 1/2.

I turned on the new Pride and Prejudice about 4, trying to get my mind thinking of something else. I like Jane Austen. She was pretty funny. And it's good to have Ryan next to me, giving me the occasional squeeze.

But Austen relief only lasts so long and I am back to thinking through every possible thing that's ahead and what I could personally do to fix it. To relieve some amount of suffering.

I've pretty much come up with squat.

Primary Children's Hospital feels so far away. I guess if I got in the car right now I could be there by 6:30 AM. Ryan could just watch the kids. I could spend the day with that little girl.

I think the Hoffman's would rather I let them sleep in a little though. Rather than wake them.

I know Heavenly Father loves Elena. And Eric. And Briana. I know He knows EXACTLY what they are each going through right now and what is ahead. And I know that when Christ visited the America's after his death he gathered the people and healed them. He said their faith was sufficient to make them whole. He gathered all the children and blessed them one by one.

I keep thinking about this song we sang in primary last week. Something about not being there to sit on His knee... but I know Jesus loves me.

After Christ blessed them He prayed to the Father for them. And we don't have those sacred words. Too sacred to write. When he was finished Angels came down. They encircled the children.

Think of the light.

We keep praying for Elena to be encircled with Angels and light. With that protective, comforting power.

I am so grateful for the gospel. Grateful to be fasting and praying. Grateful to be Elena's aunt. And wishing there was something else I could do.

How many dinners brought in might make everything alright?

I keep thinking that this has to be happening for good. That suffering brings growth, learning, humility. In this case I would like these things to happen quickly and then we can all be stronger and Elena's little body can be made whole again.

How will it ever be okay that she will suffer? It's okay if I suffer.

She's 2 1/2.

Christy and Jen and I were up late Thursday night talking about what we do and don't understand. I remembered Elder Simmon's conference talk from a few years ago, "But if not." What is our faith. Sometimes faith produces miracles. In fact, I think all miracles are results of faith. But faith does not guarantee a miracle. So what do I do now that Elena has not been miraculously healed. Now that, instead, her healing process will likely be long and difficult.

Ryan and I keep talking about moving to Evanston, WY. He just applied for a teaching position at the high school. We would move sometime this summer. And it's only 2 hours away.

But since Thursday night I've changed my mind. I want to live next door to Elena. If we move that far away I can't go see her so often and Jo can't play with her and, although I'm sure Jo will still remember Elena as "my favorite friend," they wont know each other so well. Coming down once a month for a weekend visit just doesn't feel like an option anymore. Do you think the Hoffman's would just let me move in? Talk about helpful, right? 3 years of treatments though. I mean, what on earth were we thinking of moving away? Who needs a job, right? Who needs to graduate?

We just need this one to get better.

And although I feel 100% helpless in fixing leukemia, I want to be next door for the process.

Serious Happenings

1. We just finished babysitting a family with 6 kids from our old ward. 10 days total. The kids were very good. But 6 in addition to my 2 equals EIGHT. Plus I'm pregnant. When their mom left I said I promised, promised, promised that all of her kids would be alive when she got home. And they were! We've babysat these kids several times and I think I learn something new each time. This time I learned that I have no idea how to discipline children over the age of 7. I am glad I still have a few years to figure this out!

2. Atticus just started nursery. Sunday I attended my other meetings for the first time in who knows how long. First time in this ward at least (8 months). He and Jo love each other. They like to tackle one another and then Atticus usual sits on Jo's head or neck. This is fine, everyone's laughing, except that it's in nursery. The leaders and other children look afraid:)

3. Last night we broke Jo's binkie. Snipped it right down the middle (thank you The Nurse) and told her it was broken (thank you Jen). She wanted to throw it in the garbage immediately. But all night she woke up whimpering and wanted it. She never really cried and I let her sleep with us to help her get through it. She's also asked for it several times today and I've had to remind her that it broke. How I love my Jo. I was almost in tears when we threw it away. Not so much from being afraid of what was ahead (although I was/am!) but because I know how much that bink means to her. In her life the things she loves seem to go in this order: Mom and Dad/binkie/Atticus/animals/treats/playing outside/etc. So I figure it was harder than having a sibling die. I hope tonight is okay.

4. We are moving in less than 3 weeks! I am both very excited about this and wondering how in the world, with everything else going on, it will actually happen:)

5. Ryan's graduation application was accepted! This is really happening. I am a happy woman:)