Still thinking of Kate.

Kate's burial was beautiful. I was so touched by Ryan's song, Briana's incredible testimony, and Eric's dedicatory prayer. It was quite a privilege to be there. The children were well behaved, considering, and I was mostly able to go slow and feel the moment. After the ceremony had finished, people were taking their time, placing flowers on Kate's little casket and trying in earnest to lift Eric and Briana's weeping hearts.
I stepped back and watched. The love abounding was visible. 

I wandered around the headstones already placed. I read names, dates, and hopeful words of a life to come. So many parents have lost children. It was heartbreaking to try, for just a moment, to feel the hurt, the ache of each mother. To attempt to mourn with so many who have mourned. Who are still mourning.

Just then I looked up and saw my sweet Abigail toddling through the Angel Garden, casually looking, exploring, always turning back to my husband. The world stopped for just a second. I heard nothing.

This sight, taken by Jennifer Grigg, captures my feelings of that moment. I felt for a brief second what it will be like on that morning. The First Resurrection. These cherished babes, rising up, returning to their infant bodies. Looking to their parents out of those same, pure eyes. You can see the reach from Abigail. And Ryan, reaching back with such a desire, a fullness of wanting that child, of having waited so long.

I do not understand so much. I do not understand how Eric and Briana's separation from Kate will ever be okay. It is temporary, but right now it feels oh so long. However, I do have a particle of faith that someday, somehow, it will be okay. And all those children who have been longed for in a way no person could ever describe through words, their spirits will return to their perfected bodies. And Kate will reach for her Mama and Dad.

Oh how wonderful the Plan of Happiness is. The plan for a family, together forever.

The Most Beautiful Thing

I am not a well traveled man, but I have seen some pretty cool things in my life.  I have canoed down the Snake River enveloped in mist while a Bald Eagle watched me from it’s perch.  I have watched the sunrise from the rocky mountains, and seen it set over the pacific ocean.  I sat in the bead of a truck, in the middle of the Australian outback and watched the stars come out.  The milky-way and the southern cross brilliant splashes of white across an inky canvas.

All of these things were stunning, they all evoked a positive emotional response from me.  Which in this author’s mind is the definition of beauty.  An object or scene might be nice to look at, or amusing, heck it might even be downright gorgeous, but if it doesn’t make you feel and think, then it isn’t beautiful.

So the most beautiful thing under that definition happened this weekend.  A busy saturday morning.  Lots of company, lots of bustling, the rush to get ready for an event.  I walked down my stairs and turned the corner looking into my darkly lit, messy, family room.  In the corner my sister-in-law was on her knees, arms folded, head bowed deeply.  A familiar position for many.  My brother-in-law was seated behind her on the couch, his head deeply bowed as well, with his hands placed on his wife’s head.  Both of their postures somehow conveyed two messages simultaneously.

The first was complete and utter despair and sorrow.  They had delivered a stillborn daughter earlier that week and were minutes away from burying her.  The sorrow radiated from the arched backs and bowed heads.

The second was power.  Many have found that one of the most submissive and humble positions in this life, on your knees, is the most powerful.  Her trust was so powerful and evident in her kneeling and pleading.  His hands laid gently on her head, his bowed, powerfully whispering.  Together they were completing an act of pure faith.

Tears leapt to my eyes, which is sort of a novel experience for me.  I about faced and quickly jogged up the stairs, my chest full of the image which I had only glimpsed.  Few times in my life has an experience effected and affected me so quickly and with such force.