Seriously So Strong: October 2012

Abigail is 2 days shy of 5 weeks. I feel wonderful. I am loving this new normal we're creating- although last night was not my most favorite. The Abi-gal just didn't sleep so well. But, although I'm tired today, I am one happy mama.

I think part of why I am so happy today is because my Doula is writing her own book and starting her own birthing class titled, wait for it... "How to Birth like a Rock Star." How freaking awesome is that? I spent the last 15 minutes looking at her new blog. And it just made me SO SO happy. I love a woman's body. I love the creation of life. I love how perfectly Heavenly Father created birth.

I know Abigail's birth was difficult. I know because I wrote that important detail down shortly after delivery. But every day I'm forgetting a little more how difficult it was:). In fact, everything I can remember about labor and delivery as of today is simply amazing. September 26th has kind of turned into this cloud 9 experience for me. It was so So SO SO AWESOME. Like, if I could, I would sign up to deliver another baby tomorrow. Not joking. I want to do it again. Ha ha. That sounds so strange because I use to be very scared of birth. Isn't that interesting? When I had the drugs to numb the pain I was so afraid of that pain. But after not numbing the pain I find it... strangely attractive. Feeling everything was so neat. I can't explain how passionately I feel about this. I heart labor and delivery.

Can't wait till Laura's oober famous and I'll be all trying to get in on the attention, "Yeah... she was my doula... I'm oober cool too..."

Anyway, here's the blog address in case you get the itch to check it out:

http://howtobirthlikearockstar.blogspot.com/

And here's an awesome quote Laura had on the blog. I love it.

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong."

This is the longest post I've ever done, ever. AND I apologize for taking longer than I announced in my email.

WE HAVE FOUR KIDS! It's shocking. I'm shocked. The most shocking part of our family size, for me, is that we're not completely losing our sanity. At least not to our conscious awareness. On paper it sounds crazy. Four kids in six and a half years. I remember when Ryan and I were engaged and he was taking some kind of a family/marriage prep class at the Y where he had to write out a 20 year plan. When he showed it to me I about passed out. He'd planned that we'd have a child like every two years. "Are you taking crazy pills, Ryan?" I think I even asked if he was planning to bear some of those children. And yet, here we are with four children. Being honest as I can be, we're extremely happy. We recognize ours as a very blessed life.

For the past 9 months I'd planned to have Abigail without being induced. Our other 3 births were induced with Pitocin, and the labors were great. But I have this very romantic vision of going into labor on my own- it all sounds so exciting! Waking up in the middle of the night, that 3 AM phone call to babysitter, chasing down the freeway to the hospital. But then... Ryan changed careers... we had this perfect week just before my due date with double insurance coverage... I was dilated to almost a 5... stripping my membranes hardly gave me a single contraction... and I buckled. It turns out I'm more into money than being natural. Don't think less of me. Or do... just don't tell me to my face. So last Tuesday night we called my OB and scheduled an induction for the next morning. This induction would be able to be MORE natural than the others because instead of using pitocin the OB would just break my water- she'd already determined that the head was engaged and this would be a safe move. (If the head were not down sufficiently breaking the water would be dangerous because the cord could fall below the head, trapping it in some way, and ensuring an emergency C section.)

So Wednesday, Sept 26th, we arrived at the hospital at about 8 AM after having dropped the other 3 churchlynns at my Mom's house. Can I just say- Moms are the best. Ahhh. I depend so much on my Mother. It is wonderful to have people you can leave your children with and know they will be taken care of. After admitting and IV and all were a go Dr. Ludlow (he actually wasn't my Dr. but the one on call) broke my water and said I had about 2 hours to start contracting on my own- otherwise they'd have to start pitocin. I wasn't too worried. We immediately started the "Birthing Soundtrack" Ryan had put together for me composed of calming instrumental music. Then Ryan and Laura (my friend and doula) pulled up some chairs, a table, and Monopoly Deal. We played two hands. And I completely kicked their trash one of the games. It was a good start to a good day. (I don't know if the two had talked and thought they'd boost my confidence by stacking the deck in my favor... they might have. But until I know otherwise, choose to assume I rock at Monopoly Deal.)

My first contraction hit at 9:30, 15 minutes after my water had been broken. I calmly enjoyed (yes, actually enjoyed) labor for the next 2 1/2 hours. I had prepared in several different ways to relax and stay positive through the contractions. I took hypnobirthing classes from Laura in June and had tried to practice those techniques- although it was difficult to find time alone to do so. I also meditated a lot on this great plan of salvation, the purposes of suffering, Christ's sacrifice for all of us, what it means to be a daughter of God. At the onset of labor I controlled my thoughts so each contraction was just one contraction. Anyone can stay calm through one contraction, right? Maybe an hour into labor we put the cards away and Laura suggested we pull out the birthing ball. (Funny note- this note is for no purpose at all other than to make myself smile- when I asked the hospital about using the birthing ball weeks before they told me I could use one as long as I brought my own... and only bounced on the ground. I wouldn't be allowed to bounce on the ball on my bed. Smile. That means at least one woman previous to me had come in and tried to bounce on a ball on her bed. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? So wonderful.) I bounced for awhile which felt good on my back. Ryan read to me from the birthing binder I'd put together. The binder included applicable scriptures, relaxation techniques (from hypnobirthing), an excerpt from my Father-in-law's book about the sanctity of creating children, good advice, etc. I kept thinking what a miracle it is that my body was perfectly created to perform this sacrifice for this baby girl. I thought about each contraction working to open my cervix and push that baby out. I felt calm and in control and happy to be laboring. For how ever many months while I'd been preparing to birth naturally I was so worried I might get there and really want the epidural. I was surprised that I did not. During this part of labor the work was good and I remember thinking- I really don't want this numbed. This is pretty amazing. After a bit Laura took over reading and Ryan began gently rubbing my head and back. Then we all moved to a glider rocking chair- complete with like 17 pillows. And both of my fabulous supporters kept rubbing and reading. As labor progressed and the contractions got closer together and more painful I moved to the bed where I laid on my side. I spent the last hour of labor in this position. When I moved to the bed Dr. Ludlow checked and I'd progressed to a 6+. He said I'd definitely have that babe within the hour.

The last hour of labor was difficult. I stayed very calm and quiet, really trying to relax my whole body. To the observer I probably looked asleep- I assure you I was not. If was difficult but doable as long as I stayed very focused. Ryan and Laura quit reading at this point and each concentrated on rubbing my back, face, and whispering sweet nothings in my ear:). Tell you what- labor is hard- but I was mostly treated like royalty the whole time. That part was not hard. Roughly 15 minutes before I delivered- labor became very, very difficult. Dr. Ludlow checked me again and I was at an 8- TRANSITION. He decided to stay in the room at this point and asked that I tell him if I felt any urge to push. These last 15 minutes are honestly mostly a blur. I know it hurt a lot. All along during labor I'd been praying to my Heavenly Father- telling him that I would submit to His will as a child doth submit to his Father. Those last moments broke me. I kept praying but I started losing my confidence that I could actually finish the task, I asked if the pain could please be over. Ryan and Laura kept saying- she's almost here! Your minutes from done! Only a couple more contractions! These were such comforting words. And yet, it was still really really difficult to keep believing I could endure even a minute longer. At some point Ryan said I whispered, "Ryan, this is really hard." Isn't that statement the long and the short of it? Transition is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. The Dr. and nurses kept asking if I felt pressure. I wasn't sure how to answer that because I felt a ton of pressure EVERYWHERE and since I'd always had strong epidurals I'd never experienced the "urge to push." And then, all of a sudden in the middle of one contraction, my body began to push. I can't relate to an "urge" to push because it was more like my body just took over and I had zero control. The baby was just coming. I somehow said something out loud- The baby's coming... something to that effect. They pulled up my gown and, Ryan told me later, the babe was not crowning like the children before. The head was just coming straight out! Like I said, transition and delivery is mostly a blur for me, but I remember feeling like no one was ready to catch the baby and I asked Ryan "Is the Doctor there?!" And then her head was out and the doctor ran over saying something like, "Oh, yep! She's coming!" Someone grabbed my leg and pulled it up to open my pelvis a bit and then in a second contraction I pushed out the baby's body. It was INCREDIBLE. To be in that intense pain and emotion and to receive a BABY! Nothing I have ever done I don't think could compare to those feelings. Such relief and awe. The Doctor was quick to hand Abigail straight to me where we put her right on my chest with a warm blanket. She was quite purple and needed to be rubbed a bunch- I was so tired and still kind of out of it from the intensity of the moment. So Ryan and the nurses stepped in to help me rub. When her color didn't get better after a minute the nurses took baby to the incubator and rubbed her until she did turn pick. then they returned her right to me. Those were such special moments. I left her on my chest for about 2 hours. I'd heard a lot about how wonderful skin to skin contact is for new babies and enjoyed that time so so much. She nursed when she was ready, about 45 minutes after delivery.

Abigail Marie Strong

born Wednesday, September 26th

at 12:58 PM

7 lbs 3 oz, 20.5 inches long

The nursery ladies had put a red bow in Abigail's hair. When Jo saw her she was so excited to see she'd "come out" with a cute bow. Jo (5 1/2 years old) is such a tender sister with this new baby.

Atticus wore his GINORMOUS eyes to the hospital. He was shaking when he saw her- so so excited. He's barely 4 years old.

We've been worried about Maggie's reaction to another baby in the family. She seems to think this is her world... and I thought jealously might be on the menu. But so far she just adores Abigail. She's always rubbing her head, giving her sweet kisses, and saying, "Tute. Tute baby." (All of her C's are T's) She also calls the baby "Baby Ab-dale" which was the determining factor in the name choice, if you want the truth! Mags is 2. And she knows it. If you ask her she'll tell you.

There my very handsome Ryan is. Please note his face mask. He has attended every birth with one of those babies. He's always trying to steal the show. I'm having a baby so he tries to get some attention with illness- I think it's that whole "negative attention" idea. Maybe next baby he'll get to be healthy for:).

So, after a week of molling over epidural vs. no epidural these are some of my thoughts:

1. All four of my deliveries have been amazing. Each has been different in ways- but the bottom line is... I got a healthy baby each time. And at the end of the day that's what I ultimately care about.

2. I feel like I enjoyed labor and delivery and the next 2 days in the hospital more without the epidural than with. I was definitely exahusted after each birth. But after this one I instantly wanted to hold and snuggle the baby. My body was tired but I was awake. With the others I was terribly excited to see the babies, but I was so so tired I napped almost immediately after delivery and didn't have the energy to enjoy those first hours holding the baby.

3. I experienced back labor this time around, a first for me, and it hurt times 10. It was probably the hardest part of each contraction. Still manageable during most of labor. But I think back labor is a large part of why transition was so very difficult for me. Kind of felt like my sciatic nerve was on fire. Ish. Laura and Ryan tried putting pressure on my hips and lower back. Sometimes it helped and other times it didn't. But by transition I was so engulfed I couldn't communicate what would be helpful to anyone. So by next time I want to explore ways to relieve back labor to some degree and make sure Ryan's well practiced in those.

4. I learned and prepared with hypnobirthing. There are a lot of different methods for natural birthing and I haven't explored the others. They all sound similar to each other with different vocabularies. Hypnobirthing uses relaxation, visualization, and deepening techniques. I did not end up using these very much. Relaxation, YES. But the others kind of fell by the wayside once I was in hard labor. When it came down to it I relied much more on a priesthood blessing, praying, and the scriptures for comfort and support. However, I didn't practice hynobirthing as much as I needed to for it to be effective for me. I disagreed with some mentalities and assumptions made by hynobirthing- which rubbed me the wrong way- so I wasn't terribly gun-hoe about the whole method. To each his own. I'm sure women who throw themselves into hypnobirthing experience more of their proclaimed results.

5. Pitocin. Now that I've done both I think pitocin isn't as hard as I thought it was before. Certainly it increases the speed of the contractions from the beginning. But I never felt the amount of pain during a single contraction with the others as I did with this birth. Probably because I got an epidural just before I hit transition with the others. I'm just saying that if I were to need pitocin in the future but still didn't want to get an epidural I think I'd be fine. I wasn't prepared for the other's births and thought the earlier contractions were really terrible. I think I could handle it now.

6. There's a lot of hype in natural birthing about getting to choose your own birthing position. I'd thought a lot about what position I'd like to deliver in and included this request in my birth plan for the hospital and doctor. When it was actually time to deliver, however, there was no time to get in a different position and I definitely didn't care about positions. I just had to push the baby out. So I delivered on my side, but I'm sure if I'd been laboring sitting up I'd have delivered in that position.

7. Labor and deliver hurt. I heard so many different experiences from women who delivered naturally- both planned and unplanned. I heard a lot of varying and ridiculous stories. I say ridiculous. I shouldn't. I don't think the women were lying. Some maybe exaggerating a bit. But their experiences are their's. We all have different bodies and experience things differently. But I think it's safe to say that MOST women do not have orgasms during delivery. MOST women do not calmly sleep through labor and even when they're completely dilated wait to deliver because they want to keep sleeping. Labor and delivery hurt. It doesn't mean the pain involved is bad and it doesn't mean women need to be afraid of it. But I feel like telling women that your just going to feel "pressure" is not exactly being even close to honest. Labor means work. Our bodies are working stinking hard. And it hurts. A lot. And that's okay. It's doable. Our bodies have been created to labor and deliver babies. We are capable of doing that. But it's not nap time.

8. Having Ryan, Laura, and 2 wonderful nurses made all the difference for me! Seriously- if you want to delivery naturally make sure you'll be surrounded with people who are positive and love you. I had a different doctor than my actual OB and he was fine. He wasn't helpful at all with delivering naturally. But your doctor's not really that involved anyway. I wanted his expertise present in case there was an emergency. Otherwise- he's just there to carefully catch the baby and hand her to me. And he did that.

9. I was grateful to be in a hospital with an IV and monitors so I could hear the baby's heart beat. These things gave me comfort- knowing we were prepared in case something went wrong. I'm so grateful to be alive when so much has been revealed about the body- we are getting more healthy babies born than ever in the history of the world I believe because Heavenly Father continues to inspire man in this way.

10. Women should be informed of the pros and cons to their choices. They should gain knowledge from professionals and then make their own decisions. And everyone else should shutta their traps:). Fear should not enter the equation when making these decisions. My experience was that both the natural and medical side of birthing have their own agenda and neither puts a woman's desire to be informed and make her own choice as their primary focus. Everyone wants you on their team. Which is flattering... I guess. Seriously though- neither side should use fear based arguments to persuade a woman to go natural or use an epidural. Doctors are not evil, and the pain of contractions does not kill you. So do whatever you feel good about. I so appreciated Laura in this way. She went naturally with her 2 births and obviously knew a lot about why birthing naturally can be such a positive experience. But her entire philosophy was to remove all fear from birthing. Fear is completely from the adversary. If an epidural helps you feel less fear- get the epidural. I heart Laura.

11. Are you wondering how many more numbers there are?! You never knew I could write a post this long, right? I promise I'm almost done spouting. The medical world and the natural world need to recognize that the other is right and stop being polar opposites. It's so silly! Heavenly Father made these wonderful bodies that are capable of healing themselves to a large extent. They're capable of doing so many things on their own. Our brains are capable of enduring pain. However, our bodies are also in a broken state and medicine is amazing in aiding our bodies! I feel like these ideas would better serve us if we'd just accept both instead of putting them at odds.

12. Have a birth plan and then be flexible. Things don't always go as planned.

13. So the big question: will I go natural again? I'm not positive. I probably won't answer that question until I'm pregnant again. But I think I will want to deliver naturally again. I feel like most things were better this time around. The experience as a whole was marvelous. It was empowering. And really- the very hard part was very short. And now we have sweet Abigail!

Here she is, buckled up, ready to head home! Complete with gangsta signs.

This is Abby's "I'm so cool" face.

First tubby at home.

Who do you think she looks like?

The end.

P.S. I know I've talked about how supportive and wonderful Ryan was. And he really was. BUT. When we first talked about me doing this naturally I told him he'd have to bounce on a ball with me. That was the very first part of the deal. And he promised he would. But he did NOT. I'm just sayin...