I can't sleep. Atticus or Jo woke up about 1:30. I can't remember which. But I've never quite reached restful sleep since. I just keep thinking about Elena. Wishing I could do something.

I made Ryan a "To Do List" a month ago or so. Very detailed and demanding. Lots to do and April graduation is approaching fast. And yet, I don't really care about the list just now. What does it matter? It does matter, I know it does. Priorities just rapidly change when my niece starts chemo therapy.

She's 2 and 1/2.

I turned on the new Pride and Prejudice about 4, trying to get my mind thinking of something else. I like Jane Austen. She was pretty funny. And it's good to have Ryan next to me, giving me the occasional squeeze.

But Austen relief only lasts so long and I am back to thinking through every possible thing that's ahead and what I could personally do to fix it. To relieve some amount of suffering.

I've pretty much come up with squat.

Primary Children's Hospital feels so far away. I guess if I got in the car right now I could be there by 6:30 AM. Ryan could just watch the kids. I could spend the day with that little girl.

I think the Hoffman's would rather I let them sleep in a little though. Rather than wake them.

I know Heavenly Father loves Elena. And Eric. And Briana. I know He knows EXACTLY what they are each going through right now and what is ahead. And I know that when Christ visited the America's after his death he gathered the people and healed them. He said their faith was sufficient to make them whole. He gathered all the children and blessed them one by one.

I keep thinking about this song we sang in primary last week. Something about not being there to sit on His knee... but I know Jesus loves me.

After Christ blessed them He prayed to the Father for them. And we don't have those sacred words. Too sacred to write. When he was finished Angels came down. They encircled the children.

Think of the light.

We keep praying for Elena to be encircled with Angels and light. With that protective, comforting power.

I am so grateful for the gospel. Grateful to be fasting and praying. Grateful to be Elena's aunt. And wishing there was something else I could do.

How many dinners brought in might make everything alright?

I keep thinking that this has to be happening for good. That suffering brings growth, learning, humility. In this case I would like these things to happen quickly and then we can all be stronger and Elena's little body can be made whole again.

How will it ever be okay that she will suffer? It's okay if I suffer.

She's 2 1/2.

Christy and Jen and I were up late Thursday night talking about what we do and don't understand. I remembered Elder Simmon's conference talk from a few years ago, "But if not." What is our faith. Sometimes faith produces miracles. In fact, I think all miracles are results of faith. But faith does not guarantee a miracle. So what do I do now that Elena has not been miraculously healed. Now that, instead, her healing process will likely be long and difficult.

Ryan and I keep talking about moving to Evanston, WY. He just applied for a teaching position at the high school. We would move sometime this summer. And it's only 2 hours away.

But since Thursday night I've changed my mind. I want to live next door to Elena. If we move that far away I can't go see her so often and Jo can't play with her and, although I'm sure Jo will still remember Elena as "my favorite friend," they wont know each other so well. Coming down once a month for a weekend visit just doesn't feel like an option anymore. Do you think the Hoffman's would just let me move in? Talk about helpful, right? 3 years of treatments though. I mean, what on earth were we thinking of moving away? Who needs a job, right? Who needs to graduate?

We just need this one to get better.

And although I feel 100% helpless in fixing leukemia, I want to be next door for the process.

Serious Happenings

1. We just finished babysitting a family with 6 kids from our old ward. 10 days total. The kids were very good. But 6 in addition to my 2 equals EIGHT. Plus I'm pregnant. When their mom left I said I promised, promised, promised that all of her kids would be alive when she got home. And they were! We've babysat these kids several times and I think I learn something new each time. This time I learned that I have no idea how to discipline children over the age of 7. I am glad I still have a few years to figure this out!

2. Atticus just started nursery. Sunday I attended my other meetings for the first time in who knows how long. First time in this ward at least (8 months). He and Jo love each other. They like to tackle one another and then Atticus usual sits on Jo's head or neck. This is fine, everyone's laughing, except that it's in nursery. The leaders and other children look afraid:)

3. Last night we broke Jo's binkie. Snipped it right down the middle (thank you The Nurse) and told her it was broken (thank you Jen). She wanted to throw it in the garbage immediately. But all night she woke up whimpering and wanted it. She never really cried and I let her sleep with us to help her get through it. She's also asked for it several times today and I've had to remind her that it broke. How I love my Jo. I was almost in tears when we threw it away. Not so much from being afraid of what was ahead (although I was/am!) but because I know how much that bink means to her. In her life the things she loves seem to go in this order: Mom and Dad/binkie/Atticus/animals/treats/playing outside/etc. So I figure it was harder than having a sibling die. I hope tonight is okay.

4. We are moving in less than 3 weeks! I am both very excited about this and wondering how in the world, with everything else going on, it will actually happen:)

5. Ryan's graduation application was accepted! This is really happening. I am a happy woman:)

Seriously a Nerd.

Seriously a party of Love.

My sister, Christy, and I had a little Valentine's party for our girls and their cousin Elena the other day. It was really fun! I was actually shocked at how well it turned out:) Both of our boys slept at the appropriate time so we could focus. Hey, Tic may like wearing dresses but I'm guessing that crafting will never be his activity of choice. Here are pictures.

Jo, Sophie and Elena decorating cookies.

After an entire pan of cookies had been decorated (not all in the colors of love- I think someone made a St. Patrick's Day cookie and another made one for the 4th of July), we moved to bracelet making. This proved a little advanced for our two-year-olds. So Christy and I made the bracelets while Elena and Sophie eagerly waited to put them on. Jo at this point was crying in a corner with her animals saying, "No. Can't... WON'T!" So Sophie is modeling the bracelet that Jo did not make, did not wear, and continues to loathe entirely:)

And finally they all sat down to make valentines. A little scribble here, a little line there and we have a thoughtful valentine for a cousin or sibling!

Jo loved the cookie making. She was like a machine programed to achieve her quota for the day. But she couldn't handle much of anything else. She made it through about 4 valentines before she was yelling negatives at us all again. But Sophie and Elena enjoyed the party right down to the last second:)

P.S. Sorry Chris- kicked your trash. Kicked it hard.

Seriously, stick on a dress and he's still a man

Both the clothing and the activity were their ideas. But I think it's safe to say that even during his more feminine moments the Tic is STRONG.



P.S. Remember that we don't have a mic on our camera so, no sound. Just an awesome picture:)

Seriously, isn't it more difficult for everyone to control urine than bowels?

We're trying to potty train Jo again (2nd attempt). She seems a lot more excited about the prospect of never wearing another diaper this time. She also checks herself out in those new panties quite often. So I think we're off to a good start. I've asked for potty training advice before. But listen carefully to my dilemma and see if you know what I could do. She gets her poop in the toilet every time. In fact, every time I put her on the toilet she at least passes gas. So I know she fully understands that aspect of using the porcelain throne. What she lacks is any anticipation for when the urine will flow. I can have her sit for 5 minutes on the potty, not producing any waste. Then 2 minutes later she'll yell to me that her panties are getting wet. So I pick her up and run as fast as I can to the bathroom, hoping to get her seated in time for a little success. She was so thoughtful the last time we did this, "But Mama, (as I'm running down the hall holding her) you're getting all wet!" Yes, Jo. I did get all wet. But it's all for the cause. And I will sacrifice these pants if it means your pee will get in that potty for you to see! So how do you teach a Jo to anticipate her urine? I tried filling her with juice, giving her yet another juice on the potty, and pouring a cup of water into the toilet so she could see what it looks like to have a liquid land in the john. Any thoughts?

Seriously, all inanimate objects eventually rebel

and my shoe lace finally did. Ryan loves his Legos. He sometimes gets out of bed at night, pulls a flashlight from under the bed, crawls to his container of Lego man and strokes them. I know this because I hear him, "The Precious! I wants more Precious!" These moments don't last long and he's back in bed with me. He loves Legos. You know this. A few months ago he spent quite a long time building an AMAZING castle. It stood about 3 feet high and just looked cool- I mean REALLY cool. Soon after Ryan cleared a spot in our storage room to leave it and warned me a number of times to be careful the kids didn't get to it. And I have been. Very careful. We've had a few close calls. But for the most part we have protected that castle and Ryan's honor with our lives. 3 days ago I went to pull a game from a higher shelf in that storage room. I admired the castle once more and carefully stepped around it as I reached with my tippy toes. Then, as I swiftly turned to exit the room, I felt a very slight tug on the shoelace of my boot. And with that tug came THEE MOST HORRENDOUS SOUND. My shoelace had caught on a jagged edge of the castle and about 5000 Lego pieces came crashing to the ground. I couldn't even look. I ran to Ryan saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" over and over again, trying to hold back tears. He had heard the noise too and just smiled and hugged me. The most tragic part of this loss is that we never took a picture of the masterpiece while it stood, strong and free. This is the rubble that remains (although the picture does not do justice to our great loss). Please send Ryan your condolences at jackquimby@yahoo.com.