These are some "nine months prego" pictures. I'm not sure the angle does my belly justice. But go ahead- feast your eyes.

Ryan got out of bed this morning to find me rocking in the baby's room, rubbing my tummy, and staring at the empty crib. "She'll come, Amy." He said it gently while half laughing. I'm dilated to almost a 5, had the membranes stripped yesterday (which was, surprisingly, not painful) and was a little sad when I woke up still at home. Silly me. Why is it that as my due date gets closer the probability of this baby coming seems to go down?

I've been thinking about motherhood. Becoming a mother changes you. My experiences so far have proven that motherhood has brought out both the best and the worst in me- depending on any given moment and how many minutes a child (or children) have been crying in my ear. I have far surpassed my expectations on both accounts. Never knew I could be so patient, never new my lungs could yell that loudly. But, in all honesty, I think my good moments far outweigh my bad. I am a good mom. 

I hear a lot of people talk about motherhood being a sacrifice. Indeed, if there's any sacrificial role in life- motherhood (or fatherhood) is it. You literally need to be capable and willing to give up anything at any moment every day pretty much for the rest of your life. I thought it was just until your kids moved out of the house. But then I was thinking about how often Ryan and I call on our parents for babysitting or other help- we may have moved out but you'd better believe our parents are still taking care of us to some degree:).

Sometimes I've felt like motherhood has made me sacrifice who I was before. My freedom of time has vanished. My body has changed. My wardrobe is not so cute or even stain-free. To be completely honest, though, I'm not sure those are entirely bad sacrifices.

In fact, the most blatant sacrifice forced upon me by motherhood has been giving up so much of my selfishness. I cannot be as self-centered as I was before. It's not a possible choice. I've become a kinder, wiser, harder worker. I am truly more altruistic at heart. I can't believe how much more capable I am of loving than I was 6 years ago. Hands down, that growth has come through my children (okay- I also give credit to Ryan). Motherhood has taken me, with all my weakness and irritating ways, and has smoothed some of my hard edges. I would never want to go back to who I was before. Motherhood has not made me abandon who I was in a bad way- but in a GRAND way. I am slowly becoming who I am at heart. I think I am more myself now than I've ever been.

After picking Jo up from kindergarten two weeks ago we went into the school office to pick up a form. The kids found some fun books and didn't want to leave. So we just hung out for a little while. I started talking with the secretaries. My round belly makes it easy for conversation to start with strangers- when are you due? etc. At one point I said something about how much I enjoyed being a Mom and one of them said, "Well, you're good at it." The comment meant the world to me.

Not that the secretary knows me or knows how loudly these lungs of mine can yell (few do!). But it was a genuine compliment based on the little she had observed. I don't know if I've felt I'm really good at anything- ever. I'm good at being mediocre.  Really good at shooting for an average rating in most areas of my life. That's changed with motherhood. I love being a mother. And I'm good at it. I am so grateful to be the mother of these four children. My family, Ryan, Josephine, Atticus, Margaret, and Abigail (?) are the greatest blessings of my life.