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Monday, November 21, 2011

I have been feeling so sentimental the last few days. I don't know what it is... maybe the holidays approaching. But this morning I've been grieving the loss of time.

So much of motherhood for me thus far has been knee deep in diapers, spit up, throw up, waking multiple times a night, and fussy babies with separation anxiety. There have been so many moments spent stretching for increased patience and telling myself, "This too shall pass."

I will one day sleep through the night again.
Atticus will one day keep his hunderwear dry.
Maggie will one day gain weight and accept someone else's comforting lap.

So I'm surprised at myself this morning. On this Monday morning I do not want another minute to pass. I don't want peaceful nights or an empty lap.

But I do want Atticus potty trained.

Right now I ach for every single moment I've spent comforting one of my children. Those times I've been able to ease pain or fear. Or know at that precise moment they are 100% content.

I just finished looking through Jo and Atticus's baby books. My heart hurts that they will never again be babies. I know I could never keep up with triplets. And yet I yearn for Jo, Atticus, and Maggie to all be infants- right now.

Even though so many conversations were spent looking for advice and guidance and asking the question- "when will this stage be over?" In this very moment, right now, I'm wishing so badly I could somehow have all the moments back, feel the amazing- indescribable joy of each one. And not have those moments pass. I wish they could be ever with me. That I could, with all of my senses, remember everything. And forever have an Atticus holding my neck, a Maggie snuggling her snotty nose into my chest, and a Jo forcing my head to kiss me right on the lips.

Boy have these kids done a number on my heart!
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5 comments:

  1. LizNovember 21, 2011 at 8:59 PM

    Thank you for sharing your most eloquent thoughts. I have often felt the same . . . and as much as I love my dear sons and daughters in law, and my sweet grandbabies, there is a part of me that longs for all those little ones riding hot wheels down the sidewalk and eating crayons and orange juice concentrate with the neighbor kids. I love you, Amy. Maybe in the Celestial Kingdom we'll be able to relive all those precious moments. I hope so.

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  2. BrianaNovember 21, 2011 at 11:06 PM

    i know that feeling - looking at baby pictures and being so sad for those sweet times that can never come again. i'm backing up pictures from the computer tonight and i've run across lots of sweet baby pictures/videos. it is one of the sad parts of parenthood. i think there's got to be some sort of reconciliation for all those feelings and sweet longings in the celestial kingdom. makes sense to me.

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  3. ChristyNovember 22, 2011 at 9:59 AM

    it makes me so sad to think of all i'm forgetting. i can hardly remember sophie as a three year old, let alone as a newborn. why does that happen??? it really is such a sweet time in our life. sometimes (ahem, pottytraining) it's hard to remember that when you're in the trenches! love you ames.

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  4. MeNovember 23, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    I have totally felt this way before about other stuff. So many times I have missed not beig able to meet Rob again and date him again. This post makes me excited to be a mommy!

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  5. JackNovember 30, 2011 at 9:00 AM

    Thanks, Amy.

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