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Margaret Marie

I apologize for taking so long to get pictures posted for those who haven't met Maggie in person yet. We just found our camera cord to transfer pictures to the computer late last night! Here are a few pictures from the hospital. I was induced on Thursday, August 19th (the day before my due date). I went in dilated to a 4 and we started pitocin around 2:30 P.M. and Mags was born at 5:46 weighing 7 lbs 2 oz. Things went really well. When I arrived at the hospital my nurse told me she wanted to make sure I was in charge of the birth plan. She wanted to know exactly what I expected and wanted to have happen. I said, "I want a healthy baby with as little pain as possible." Ha ha. Anyway, I had to wait a little while for the epidural but once numbed I was a very happy camper! It just took a couple of pushes at the end. Zero problems.

Me at full term just a couple days before delivery.

Atticus - almost 2

Jo- 3 1/2

It is absolutely AMAZING to me how things have worked out. We have truly experienced an overwhelming amount of blessings the last month and a half. Every worry has been taken care of, every detail addressed perfectly for my needs and wants. Between Ryan graduating and finding a job, moving, and having Maggie I feel so much gratitude to our Father in Heaven. He truly has a specific plan for us and is taking care of us. Thank you to all of you who have helped me so much: meals, taking the kids, gifts, visits, etc, etc, etc. I don't know how to take care of three on my own yet! So thank you for making this transition easier!

Seriously, can't wait

Last night I went out with my sisters to the Olive Garden. It was a fabulous girls night out. I'm grateful to our husbands for keeping the kids home for us and grateful to Jen for treating us! During our dinner the subject of blogs surfaced. And something was said about me never writing on this blog. Hey, some of us are blog creaters and some of us are blog posters. And we all know which one I am. I blamed my inactivity on the fact that I haven't been able to upload photos since moving into Ryan's parent's house. And... for some reason this makes it hard for me to think of anything to write. So I said if my sisters wanted to send me a picture, any picture from the internet, I would post about it. This one's from Briana.


This sandwhich looks wonderful. I shall be eating one like it in approximately 6 weeks. Not knowing the exact date increases my excitement. My sandwhich will be different from this one, however. It will be made with asiago cheese bread, turkey, provelone cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, green peppers, sprouts, ranch, mayo. And AVACADO. My avacado turkey sandwhich. The precious. Spawned at Hogi Yogi. It will be eaten either in the Mountain View hospital or driving home from the hospital. It will be delicious. The excitement of this meal may have slightly died with another anticipated happening. I'm assuming it will overshadow the sandwhich event. Because when I devour the said sandwhich my belly will be slightly deflated and very flabby. And I will have a baby close by. Probably sleeping. And I will be very much in love with that baby. Maggie Marie. 6 weeks from tomorrow. Can't wait.

Seriously don't read into this

Last night we went to my Mom and Dad's for dinner. Pre-eating activities were what you'd expect on a Sunday afternoon. Mostly talking with a little sword fighting thrown in the middle. The sword fighting enhances conversation, I feel, because you constantly have to be on the look out. Atticus could, might, and most definitly will chop your head off if he gets the chance. When Jo was kindly escourted to the sideline to give someone else a "waa-ting-ing" opportunity she threw herself on the couch next to me and just howled. For the sake of making small talk with my daughter I asked,"Jo, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
Through her dramatic sobs she cried out, loud enough for everyone to hear, "I JUST WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY!"

I am choosing to interpret this as a moment which exposes all 3-year-olds' natural aggression. Not a reflection of poor parenting. Either way, I think we all might want to watch our backs around a little someone who's name rhymes with foe...

Seriously a beautiful day!

Yesterday was beautiful. The day, the weather, the Jo, the Atticus. The only thing which could have made it better would have been Ryan at home all day. BUT, still beautiful. It's fabulous living at my in-laws. I am pretty much guaranteed in depth talks every night I want them. It's kind of a trade off though. If Casey and Mom and I start into a conversation... it's going to get good... and then it's going to be 1 AM before I notice the time again. Still, worth the lack of sleep. Plus I'm playing a little racquetball with family B which I really enjoy! Never has exercise been so good. And Jo gets a cousin to play with pretty much every day.

Yesterday was especially beautiful because we took a nice walk and enjoyed the sun. We got to Eric and Briana's in 17 minutes. I (21 weeks now) was a little red in the face. Briana said if we stayed outside and didn't touch, Elena could come out and see us for a minute, wave "Hello." Jo and Tic antibacteria-ed themselves and impatiently waited their cousin's presence. "I want to see Elena!" over and over until she appeared. Elena looked wonderful yesterday! It took she and Jo a minute to remember each other and adjust to some changes. "Mama, she doesn't have hair." "No, Jo, she doesn't." "And she has green." (referring to the mask Elena wore over her mouth and nose) But it didn't take long for the two to be holding hands again. Briana said this was okay, she'd just wash Elena off once back inside. Lena showed us the long necklace she was wearing. She gets a new bead every time she gets a blood transfusion or chemo treatment or has some other medical procedure. And she wore an adorable hat her Grandma Brimley lovingly made. Well, what was meant to be a quick hello turned into an hour long play date outside. It was SO wonderful to be with Elena and Briana again. To watch the kids interact as they made "messes" of bark together on the picnic table and walked on the log steps and swung on the play set. Elena seemed to be in the best spirits we've seen her in since her diagnosis. She's very weak and fell down several times. But she is still her beautiful self. I can't exactly describe each thing I love about that girl. Several mannerisms surfaced during our visit that just warmed my heart. What a lucky lady I am to have held her hand just yesterday. A beautiful day!

And, to top it all off, Ryan and I finished our day by watching Willow!

I can't sleep. Atticus or Jo woke up about 1:30. I can't remember which. But I've never quite reached restful sleep since. I just keep thinking about Elena. Wishing I could do something.

I made Ryan a "To Do List" a month ago or so. Very detailed and demanding. Lots to do and April graduation is approaching fast. And yet, I don't really care about the list just now. What does it matter? It does matter, I know it does. Priorities just rapidly change when my niece starts chemo therapy.

She's 2 and 1/2.

I turned on the new Pride and Prejudice about 4, trying to get my mind thinking of something else. I like Jane Austen. She was pretty funny. And it's good to have Ryan next to me, giving me the occasional squeeze.

But Austen relief only lasts so long and I am back to thinking through every possible thing that's ahead and what I could personally do to fix it. To relieve some amount of suffering.

I've pretty much come up with squat.

Primary Children's Hospital feels so far away. I guess if I got in the car right now I could be there by 6:30 AM. Ryan could just watch the kids. I could spend the day with that little girl.

I think the Hoffman's would rather I let them sleep in a little though. Rather than wake them.

I know Heavenly Father loves Elena. And Eric. And Briana. I know He knows EXACTLY what they are each going through right now and what is ahead. And I know that when Christ visited the America's after his death he gathered the people and healed them. He said their faith was sufficient to make them whole. He gathered all the children and blessed them one by one.

I keep thinking about this song we sang in primary last week. Something about not being there to sit on His knee... but I know Jesus loves me.

After Christ blessed them He prayed to the Father for them. And we don't have those sacred words. Too sacred to write. When he was finished Angels came down. They encircled the children.

Think of the light.

We keep praying for Elena to be encircled with Angels and light. With that protective, comforting power.

I am so grateful for the gospel. Grateful to be fasting and praying. Grateful to be Elena's aunt. And wishing there was something else I could do.

How many dinners brought in might make everything alright?

I keep thinking that this has to be happening for good. That suffering brings growth, learning, humility. In this case I would like these things to happen quickly and then we can all be stronger and Elena's little body can be made whole again.

How will it ever be okay that she will suffer? It's okay if I suffer.

She's 2 1/2.

Christy and Jen and I were up late Thursday night talking about what we do and don't understand. I remembered Elder Simmon's conference talk from a few years ago, "But if not." What is our faith. Sometimes faith produces miracles. In fact, I think all miracles are results of faith. But faith does not guarantee a miracle. So what do I do now that Elena has not been miraculously healed. Now that, instead, her healing process will likely be long and difficult.

Ryan and I keep talking about moving to Evanston, WY. He just applied for a teaching position at the high school. We would move sometime this summer. And it's only 2 hours away.

But since Thursday night I've changed my mind. I want to live next door to Elena. If we move that far away I can't go see her so often and Jo can't play with her and, although I'm sure Jo will still remember Elena as "my favorite friend," they wont know each other so well. Coming down once a month for a weekend visit just doesn't feel like an option anymore. Do you think the Hoffman's would just let me move in? Talk about helpful, right? 3 years of treatments though. I mean, what on earth were we thinking of moving away? Who needs a job, right? Who needs to graduate?

We just need this one to get better.

And although I feel 100% helpless in fixing leukemia, I want to be next door for the process.

Serious Happenings

1. We just finished babysitting a family with 6 kids from our old ward. 10 days total. The kids were very good. But 6 in addition to my 2 equals EIGHT. Plus I'm pregnant. When their mom left I said I promised, promised, promised that all of her kids would be alive when she got home. And they were! We've babysat these kids several times and I think I learn something new each time. This time I learned that I have no idea how to discipline children over the age of 7. I am glad I still have a few years to figure this out!

2. Atticus just started nursery. Sunday I attended my other meetings for the first time in who knows how long. First time in this ward at least (8 months). He and Jo love each other. They like to tackle one another and then Atticus usual sits on Jo's head or neck. This is fine, everyone's laughing, except that it's in nursery. The leaders and other children look afraid:)

3. Last night we broke Jo's binkie. Snipped it right down the middle (thank you The Nurse) and told her it was broken (thank you Jen). She wanted to throw it in the garbage immediately. But all night she woke up whimpering and wanted it. She never really cried and I let her sleep with us to help her get through it. She's also asked for it several times today and I've had to remind her that it broke. How I love my Jo. I was almost in tears when we threw it away. Not so much from being afraid of what was ahead (although I was/am!) but because I know how much that bink means to her. In her life the things she loves seem to go in this order: Mom and Dad/binkie/Atticus/animals/treats/playing outside/etc. So I figure it was harder than having a sibling die. I hope tonight is okay.

4. We are moving in less than 3 weeks! I am both very excited about this and wondering how in the world, with everything else going on, it will actually happen:)

5. Ryan's graduation application was accepted! This is really happening. I am a happy woman:)